“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” ~Albert Einstein
One morning, I realized who I was when I awoke to realize that I didn’t know who I was. I realized over the last thirty-something years that I had been someone else for most of my life.
I was like a chameleon, molding into the people around me. I didn’t want to disturb or make noise, nor trigger my inner wounds.
My goal was to be the person I believed others wanted me to become. To be loved, accepted, and liked by others. Now I see that I was looking for validation from outside to validate the things I wanted to be. I had to discover who I was. I had to love, like, and get to know me.
Once you discover that you do not like yourself and that you don’t even know who you are or what you like, change starts to happen. You begin to see the areas in which you used people or things to fill that void. To numb the pain, alcohol to make you feel better, and sex to feel less lonely, and to feel more valuable. Helping others and fixing external problems so you don’t have to look at yourself.
This was what I didn’t know. I honestly thought that I was just trying to help others. It turned out that I was projecting externally what my internal needs were. This is something that we tend to do without being aware of. This could be why you’re constantly supporting and encouraging others, but feeling alone or sad inside.
Be aware of what you give to others. It’s likely that’s what you need to give yourself. You will likely need to pay attention to what others say about you.
The long road to finding myself was a difficult one. It was both a rewarding and challenging journey. I have explored different activities and hobbies—reflecting back on activities that I enjoyed as a child and bringing those back into my life; trying new things that I have always been curious about or wanted to try. I have retained the hobbies that bring me joy and peace while removing the ones that drain my energy.
This is something I’ve done with people, jobs, as well as my own thoughts. The voices in my head are the hardest to ignore. But years of constant work with them has made my inner dialogue much more pleasant.
Yes, there is still criticism, but I accept it as it is and am curious about it. I question if my inner critic is right. Ninety nine percent of the times it isn’t. I can see what it’s trying to teach me.
Of course, I will often ask myself: Who said it to you, and when? Oddly enough, my thirty-year-old self’s belief system was one I built as a kid, when I concluded that I wasn’t good enough and I was only valuable when I had something to give someone. It’s really funny when you realize you are an adult body caring around beliefs you developed as a child, with zero awareness.
It was also important to examine how my thoughts and actions were impacting my life. To get different results, I had to decide to do the opposite of what was happening.
Instead of waiting for others to respect and prioritize me, I had the courage to respect and prioritize myself. I had to be able to clearly identify my needs and honor them, as well as set boundaries in my relationships.
Instead of sleeping in, I started getting up earlier than my son to have a pleasant day and not rush out the door. Before the rest of the world could grab me, I had had to nourish myself at the beginning.
Instead of keeping my truth inside, I had to find the courage and speak it. To share my feelings, rock the boat if I had to, and trust I wasn’t “being crazy.”
Instead of trying to please everyone, I decided to stop teetering around.
Instead of dwelling on myself, I chose to love myself.
Instead of being closed off, I had to open my heart—to myself, others, and the world.
Instead of being stuck, I started taking small steps to discover who I was and what I wanted. Spending time in silence with nature to hear my inner voice, creating art, positive words for myself while brushing my teeth and meditation for three minutes each day.
I didn’t realize that life could be so much more fun than what I was doing before I switched to the opposite. I am here to tell you that life really can be fun, you’re not alone, and by taking one small step you can begin to transform your life into something you didn’t even know was possible for yourself.
It takes courage, patience, consistency, and dedication. But if you begin today, you won’t even recognize yourself in a few decades.
Magic can happen when you believe in yourself more than the beliefs of others.
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About Katie Creel
Katie Creel worked as a registered nurse for eighteen year. Orenda Life Coaching, LLC is her business. She is a certified coach in health and life and a Creative Insight Journey instructor. Katie believes we all have the power to make the changes we desire in our lives. She offers tools and exercises that will help you reconnect with your creativity and intuition.
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